the love/hate relationship.

The pushing, shoving, yelling and swearing... all for about 30 frames on my camera.

I lasted about three minutes, and I had to get out.

The scene at Dirksen Federal Building resembled a pack of wild dogs descending on dinner this morning, as our former governor appeared before a judge to hear what counts were being held against him.

He pleaded not guilty and walked out five minutes later.

I was outside the courthouse about 9AM and waited for him to arrive. He showed up, stepping out a large, shiny black GMC truck around 10:50AM.

All smiles, he answered questions and slowly pushed his way through the throng of cameras into the courthouse. He smiled, spoke pleasantly and seemed to be enjoying the attention.

What was it like to be there? I enjoy the camaraderie of the courthouse. I didn't used to like it there. But courthouse duty very quickly became part of my job. It was easier to embrace than fight the inevitable.

The guys I work with from the other paper in town and the TV stations are all very cool. We stand and wait. We wait and stand. We talk. I was next to a cameraman from channel 11 today. We talked about running, marathons and taking care of ourselves. The time goes by fast, and at the courthouse you are always waiting around a lot longer than actually shooting.

As great as they are as people, they can't help themselves as soon as a shot is at stake. It's incredible how we talk nice, then turn on each other, mobbing our subject, even one as agreeable to the attention as the former gov.

After the melee, cluster-fuck in newspaper language, and the guv makes his way through the door of the courthouse, we all rush in behind him to send images and tapes to our offices and trucks. His indictment doesn't take long, and before my pictures make it into the office, he's on his way back down and I am throwing my coat on to run outside to do it all again.

The scene on the way out is even worse. Running, pushing, smashing into each other. I was getting pounded into the ground by the crush of cameras and microphones on my head. The guv even asked if I was OK at one point.

It's a love/hate relationship with my job. The adrenalin rush in some situations is like a drug. Getting a great photo feeds the habit. On the other hand, I felt suffocated and for a brief moment, did worry about my safety. And my dignity.

I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. And when it's over and the paper turns out its lights forever, I will be forever thankful for the very experiences I inexplicably love and hate simultaneously.