don't let the door hit you in the ass...

It's that night. New Year's Eve.

Turn the calendar page. Start fresh. Opportunity awaits.

Even though it's largely symbolic, it's a great time to say, "So long, sucker!" to 2008.

I am not sad to see this year, the worst on record for me, get the hell out of dodge.

Passing into a new year is a great time to re-evaluate and stay focused on better times ahead: emotionally, physically and financially.

There are no guarantees. Never are. But I do think by writing down concepts now and being able to review and adjust throughout the year is a great way to stay on track.

So I am just going to make a promise to myself to keep healing. To keep trying to do better and be a better person. A better mom, a better friend. A better Christian.

I will improve my health and make all that entails a priority.

I will read more, write more and listen more.

I will take more risks, be more open-minded to new experiences and try not to look backwards quite so often.

I will enjoy the gift of life to the fullest extent possible.

No guarantees. But the quickest route to failing is to never even try.

Happy, amazing and wonderful 2009. I am glad to have you along for the ride.

being alone vs. being lonely.

I've decided I am not so good at being alone.

The girls are with their dad this week and I went into panic mode on Sunday, home from work with absolutely nothing that had to be done. Quite honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself.

I ended up falling asleep reading a book on the couch at about 7:45 PM. Then, I woke up at around 1AM to get myself into bed, and had the "toilet episode." A broken toilet, overflowing buckets of toilet water. It was awful. But at least it was something.

My friend Bob fixed it up for me the next day, as soon as I called and yelled "help" into his cellphone. You cannot put a price on a friend who also happens to be a plumber.

It's all better now, and I have officially settled into this weird, post-holiday hangover-funk that I can't seem to shake.

It's a weird time of the year for me, and I am seriously wondering if it ever won't be.

I'm from a big family, went to a giant high school and even bigger college. The only time I lived on my own was very, very briefly after college. Other than that, there's always been roommates, and then kids.

I know everyone will tell me, "Enjoy the quiet!" And sure enough the kids will be back driving me crazy before I know it.

But for now, this post-holiday stress disorder kinda sucks.

I am going to have to work at getting comfortable in my own skin, after a lifetime of never having been.

I guess it's about time.

the meaning of Christmas.

Sometimes it takes a few hours or days to put things into a meaningful perspective. Like the holidays.

How was your Christmas?

I was asked that by many over the past 48 hours or so. I don't know exactly how to answer it. Truthfully? It was happy, sad, ironic, disturbing, fun, lousy and wonderful.

Now, I know I should pick out the good adjectives and toss the rest aside, but we're being honest, right?

The meaning of Christmas for me this year comes at a time where I am beginning to understand the life of Jesus and my place in His story. From that angle, it is a wonderful, amazing and interesting journey.

Being a mom, I treasure the panda bear dangly earrings given to me by my youngest, and the light-up mom key chain from my oldest.

As a sister/daughter/aunt/ex-wife, the time spent with the family was joyous but not without issue. God gives you this family, and maybe it's to test you. Or maybe it's just a really funny joke. I haven't, however, found the punchline yet.

As a friend, I am blessed a thousand times over. The gifts from you are emotional, spiritual and tangible.

The best moment of my Christmas came from sleepy Jess, who was curled up in bed with Bitty baby snuggled under one arm. "You're such a good mom to Bitty," I told her, just as her eyes opened enough so that I could tell she was awake.

"You're such a good mom to me, " she said.

And that was the very best gift, ever.

traditions.

It's hard getting through the holidays for most. Of course there's all the cool stuff you get to experience; the girl's excitement topping the list. But let's face it, even the most calm, rational beings can have issues this time of year.

It's important for me to have a common base in my house for Christmas. Especially when so much has happened this year. It's nice to rely on our traditions to keep us grounded in what's really important.

We got a great tree this year. It was $14.95 at Home Depot, and it's a beauty. Taking out ornaments are like visiting with old friends. Most have memories attached. During the separation last Christmas, it was hard to face some of those ornaments. This year, with those safely packed away, decorating was much simpler.

My family comes over tomorrow night. I've been a willing host for about eight years, despite my older sister's best efforts to swipe away the honor. I cling to this event because I truly enjoy it, and it's all the girls have ever known.

I've ordered the pierogi, washed Gram's familiar green Christmas Eve dishes and pulled out the 12 Days of Christmas plates. A tradition of a group sing-a-long started quite by accident those eight years ago, and we do it every year. You pick a plate and that's your verse to sing. It's a hilarious five or so minutes, with really awful singing and a lot of laughs.

Tonight, the girls and I attended Christmas service at Parkview. It was beautiful: a candlelight ceremony, Christmas songs and the lesson of the Christmas story. We celebrate the birth of Christ Jesus simply because He was born to take our sin to the cross, so that we might one day live with him in his Kingdom.

Believe and accept that and you're in. That's definitely a reason to celebrate. And attending the candlelight service is a new tradition begun.

Traditions give continuity to life.

Like thread in a quilt, they run all the way through and hold even the most challenging pieces together.

introducing dr. kickass.

I went to a new therapist today. I've had two therapists in the past 10 years, both women. One moved to New Jersey, and the other I just can't get time to see anymore because of my crazy schedule and her limited availability.

I still think I need to see a therapist, and generally I feel that's a pretty good indication that I should.

I asked for a recommendation from a psychiatrist whose acquaintance I made three years ago, when I was diagnosed with major depression. (I like the major part because it sounds more impressive, though I am not sure if there is actually another kind.)

Anyway, so he gives me the name of one of the therapists in his practice, and today was my first visit.

Now, I love this particular psychiatrist. He's nice, funny and he's been instrumental in helping me with my mental health issues. I want to be fair, so I will say that when he was telling me about this particular therapist, he did say he was probably unlike previous therapists I have encountered.

"If you're looking to sit and chat, well that's not his style," he said. I told him, "Well, if you are recommending him, I was perfectly willing to go with that."

So this morning, I sit down on the small black leather sofa in his office, and ask the therapist (dr. KA) if he wanted my previous doctor's number so he could get caught up on the work I've done, and find out where I'm coming from.

He shakes his head no, and tells me, "Today is today, it's not yesterday."

And, he's not particularly interested in where I've been. He is however, interested in where I'm going.

We're going to talk about the here and now, he told me. Quite honestly. I am here on Wednesdays and Fridays and when I leave, I go home and live my life. This (job) is a very small part of my life, and I don't have time to be calling people to find out what you've been doing the past 10 years.

And that was the first five minutes.

Dr. KA called me out for 55 more minutes. Wanted to know what I wanted out of life, and what exactly I was doing to get there. I'm about empowering, he said. Not about taking money from me for the next 10 years.

I found out pretty quickly he is all about accountability. I was both terrified and fascinated by the questions he fired at me, one after another:

"Why are you here?"
"You say you want to be happy. That's a wonderful goal. Now what exactly does that mean?"
"What are you doing to get there?"
"Do you understand what I just said?"
"Do you know that you will always get the same results if you do what you've always done?"

I found out I'm a "piler." No big surprise there, even though he was talking about emotional piling as much as the actual physical piling that occurs in my house.

And the only way to stop "piling" is to dig out from under all the crap and deal with it, he said.

"You've got so many piles, you don't even know what you've got," he told me at one point.

I walked out of the office with another appointment in a couple weeks.

I'm scared to death.

But in a good way.

joe & deb.

Tonight, I went out with some truly awesome people. My friends from Divorce Care. They are new-ish when it come to friendship, but in some aspects I feel like I've known them forever.

They make me laugh harder than I have in along time. We make jokes, pick on each other and share observations and advice. Most of all, we enjoy each other's company.

Our regular weekly meetings ended two weeks ago. I miss the camaraderie and support I had grown to count on.

When you bare your souls on a weekly basis, you learn a lot about yourself and others. As a group, I like to think we emerged stronger and more hopeful about the future.

Tonight, we got to hear the love story of Joe & Deb. Deb is the DC group leader; Joe is her husband. The pair are celebrating their first wedding anniversary this week.

When Joe joined DC, he was the only guy in a group of 24. After the session ran its course, Joe and Deb ran into each other, and then made plans with others to go out as a group. Eventually, Joe would ask Deb out, and Deb would show up with her girlfriend until she figured out that Joe just wanted to actually "date." The girlfriend stopped coming along, and Joe & Deb fell in love and got married; the second time for both of them.

If only it were that simple.

As Deb told their story tonight, I learned a couple of important things.

First, you never know what will happen.

And, before Joe & Deb got married, they talked. A lot. About everything. And I do mean everything. It was important to both of them to lay it all out on the table.

Then, something Joe said, that Deb swore she'd never forget:

"You know, there are no guarantees."

At best, Joe explained, when you get married, you have a 50 percent chance of making it work.

This wasn't based on divorce statistics or a study, it was just Joe's own keen observation. You can invest yourself in a marriage 100 percent, he said. But you are only one person in a relationship where you are responsible for 50 percent of its success or failure.

Wow, not good odds, we all thought. But absolutely true.

The second time around has the benefit of past experience to learn from. I hope that isn't lost on my friends as they move ahead into new lives filled with new experiences.

But more than that, I hope everyone was listening tonight as Joe & Deb took their turn sharing.

the nice list.

Thank you, Jack Higgins.

Dear Santa,

Please bring something wonderful for all these amazing girls and boys. They have been very, very good this year:

Becky Jess Chrissy&Doug Nagelhout Patti&Ed Smith Nickey&Carlos Mendez Jason Nagelhout Kelcie Nagelhout Kailey Smith Keegan Smith Yoo-Hoo Emma Mendez Sophia Mendez Charlie Mendez Gabi Mendez Lizzie Burbatt Danny Vaughan Billy Burbatt Kelly Vaughan Jodi Craigmile Curt Craigmile Deb&Jeff Marin Cathy Gainer Kris&Marc Morrison Nancy Putman Jack Shaver Jim Durkin Rick Webber Bruce Rigoni Sidney Gibson Jana Wennlund Maureen O'Keefe Bob Cupp Steff Karson Ann Metzger Kathy Basil Debbie&Joe Licatesi Lauren Casey Julie Joann Adams Lyssa Klein Gina&Bill Blouin Mary Hogan Kris&Marc Morrison Barb Germany Naomi Mostyn Linda Kooper Maria&Gary Despaltro MB&Pete Schmit Bill&Fish Carissa Germany Donna Lenkiewicz Diane Tubay Eliza Didomizio Dave Hamby Ma'Nique Moore Noreen Heneghan Jackie Pfrommer Jen Karnezis Becky Juntunen Sheila King SCSW Jenn Shaver Carrie Zakula Lisa Snyder Gina Zoetvelt Olivia Anderson Renee Gorski Mother May I Kathy Carr Karen&Bill Novak Carol&Joe Milkins Sharon Canniff Bob&Leslie Quirk Jacky Osowski Tracy Fushi Toby Adamson Steve Stroz Barb Bohn Karen Mellen John Cherise Piltaver Paul Beaty Ernie Torres Barb&Patrick Gordon The Tuider Family Colleen&Don Loconte Melissa Munroe Rich Hein John H. White Bob Black Brian Jackson Kara Spak Paige Wiser Scottie Stewart Keith Hale Tom Cruze Rich Chapman Carrie Ingraisano MB Rowerstein Michelle Latimer Margo Wooge Stephanie Pote Leigh&Brian DuMais Bonnie Smith Char&Jack Hummel Bob Warner Isobel DeRusha Stefano Esposito MB&Steve Johnson MA MB MC Witry Tracey&Tim Edwards Sue Suchy Tim Harlow Paula Kamen Mike Ramsey Jen Odell Kim Maholy Chris Craven Bob Mazzone Misha Davenport Barack&Michelle Obama Holly Richer Kari&Chris Abrahamsen Jen&Greg Kraft Toby Roberts Kayla Truffa Julie Cassara Faith Damm Courtney Sass Aunt Ann&Uncle John Beth McGrath Denise Cundiff Pam Teutmacher Melissa Slattery Mickey&Wynn Wendt Bob&Carol Mattson Marty Lachat Vance Pomransky Jacqui Cook Lisa Papp Lynn Lode Gina Marie Freeland Tom Behnke Miss Cathy Cheryl Swanson The Blank Family Danny Lachat Denise Boksa Tom Bartuska Jeff Hunter Eilean Zavala Lydia Waid Tom Clark The Buell Family Stacy Walker Jen&Terry Geary Julie Martin Patty Cunningham Rummana Hussein Steve Gohston Scott Josephs Liz Digitale Al Podgorski John Kim Dom Najolia Chris Sweda Steve Patterson Chris Fusco Lisa Donovan Kit Donahue Mary Cory Gram Ponz Bernie Tafoya Craig Dellimore Kuni Takahashi Chuck Berman Jose Osorio Alex Garcia Nancy Stone Jim Frost Brian Kersey Dave Hoekstra Tim Lachat Ches Wajda The Mahonys Linda Martin Kim Whitaker Lisa Houtchens Tony Killea Karyn Purvis Chuck Scott Bill Peters Tara Vranas The Fiene Family Jen Anderson The Metzchke Family Hanna Abusharif The Cholkes Dale Teddy Janet Fuller Colleen McKeever Jolie Becker John Madden Paula Burke Janine&Pat Sullivan Dave Klobucar Anne Ryan Matt Grotto Mary Mannix Paula Ryan Jon Gardner Meg Tebo Carol Slezak Bonnie Trafelet Carol&Bob Garcia