introducing dr. kickass.

I went to a new therapist today. I've had two therapists in the past 10 years, both women. One moved to New Jersey, and the other I just can't get time to see anymore because of my crazy schedule and her limited availability.

I still think I need to see a therapist, and generally I feel that's a pretty good indication that I should.

I asked for a recommendation from a psychiatrist whose acquaintance I made three years ago, when I was diagnosed with major depression. (I like the major part because it sounds more impressive, though I am not sure if there is actually another kind.)

Anyway, so he gives me the name of one of the therapists in his practice, and today was my first visit.

Now, I love this particular psychiatrist. He's nice, funny and he's been instrumental in helping me with my mental health issues. I want to be fair, so I will say that when he was telling me about this particular therapist, he did say he was probably unlike previous therapists I have encountered.

"If you're looking to sit and chat, well that's not his style," he said. I told him, "Well, if you are recommending him, I was perfectly willing to go with that."

So this morning, I sit down on the small black leather sofa in his office, and ask the therapist (dr. KA) if he wanted my previous doctor's number so he could get caught up on the work I've done, and find out where I'm coming from.

He shakes his head no, and tells me, "Today is today, it's not yesterday."

And, he's not particularly interested in where I've been. He is however, interested in where I'm going.

We're going to talk about the here and now, he told me. Quite honestly. I am here on Wednesdays and Fridays and when I leave, I go home and live my life. This (job) is a very small part of my life, and I don't have time to be calling people to find out what you've been doing the past 10 years.

And that was the first five minutes.

Dr. KA called me out for 55 more minutes. Wanted to know what I wanted out of life, and what exactly I was doing to get there. I'm about empowering, he said. Not about taking money from me for the next 10 years.

I found out pretty quickly he is all about accountability. I was both terrified and fascinated by the questions he fired at me, one after another:

"Why are you here?"
"You say you want to be happy. That's a wonderful goal. Now what exactly does that mean?"
"What are you doing to get there?"
"Do you understand what I just said?"
"Do you know that you will always get the same results if you do what you've always done?"

I found out I'm a "piler." No big surprise there, even though he was talking about emotional piling as much as the actual physical piling that occurs in my house.

And the only way to stop "piling" is to dig out from under all the crap and deal with it, he said.

"You've got so many piles, you don't even know what you've got," he told me at one point.

I walked out of the office with another appointment in a couple weeks.

I'm scared to death.

But in a good way.