when God's love is palpable.

"God is Love." 1 John 4:16


First let me get this out there:

I didn't know there was a difference between the Book of John and 1 John until this week. So you know.

These three words are so simple and yet so profound, that it struck me like a bolt of lightening when I read them for the very first time.

I am struggling lately. My life has been on an evil roller coaster ride these past few weeks. It's hard to remember which side is up, and which way to turn so that it hurts the least.

And in the midst of all this, I find out the God is indeed, Love. And better yet, I felt it. And in case you need to know what it feels like:

It's kinda like a big, warm hug on a day filled with sunshine from someone you really, really like.

Last night at Divorce Care, the session was on depression. My group consisted of a few friends and a few people I have just recently met. As as person talked about their own circumstances, the others listened. And in the moment where one of us was feeling weak, torn down and beat up, the others were ready to jump in and save you.

Without even really knowing the group, I felt the love in the room for each other.

It wasn't summoned, it just appeared. And it was good.

Maybe it's there all the time, and I just don't notice it through the trials of life.

I have a feeling that, like the difference between John and 1 John, I have just figured something really obvious, but also really wonderful.

having a sharpay evans kinda day.

"EVERYBODY... QUIET!"

The emails. The texts. The phone calls. The kids. The boss. The Crazies.
o. m. G.

I thought of Sharpay in my inability to sleep early this morning. The scene is the East High cafeteria in High School Musical 1.

The kids are running around the cafeteria singing, "Stick to the Status Quo," when Sharpay stands on a table and shouts that out, immediately silencing everyone in the room.

I liken it to the Calgon commercials of the 70s, "Calgon, take me away..." and the "Serenity, NOW!" episode of Seinfeld in the 90s.

Some days, it's all too much. At once.

And what to do about it? I'm not sure. It made me giggle just thinking about Sharpay.

My immediate solution was a deep breath, some Sudafed, Excedrin and the blog.

And sincere desire that today might be better.

thoughts on swimming.

It's been a while since I last dove into a pool to do laps. I have missed it, and the moment my arms cut through the water, I felt my muscles relax, my head clear and a sense of relief and control run through my body.

I am a good swimmer.

I never admitted that to myself or anybody else. People have said it to me, but my responses have always been, " I like swimming." Or, "Swimming relaxes me." Never once have I been able to agree that yes, swimming is something I am good at.

I don't channel Dara Torres while I swim, but instead, Michael Phelps. I'm not exactly sure why, but maybe it's because Phelps is super-human-like: amazing, incredible and simply the best at what he does.

Does he amaze himself? Or does he just set goals, have acute focus and dedication and accept nothing less than being the best?

This week, I am going to make a list. The list is going to contain things that bring me joy, satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. I will remember the stuff I really, really loved doing as a kid (swimming being one of them) and find a way to get back to these activities in my life today.

I often joke with Chrissy about training today for the Senior Olympics. But all I really want is joy and satisfaction in how I spend my time.

If I turn into the Michael Phelps of being happy, well that would be OK, too.

coincidence... i'm thinking not.

I started reading my Bible regularly these past few weeks, after an awesome sermon series about the Good Book.

Mind you, I never read the Bible. Never did. It just wasn't part of my life, for many reasons. I even thought it was weird that it's like the best selling book of all time.

Today, I'm wrapping up one of the worst emotional weeks of my life. My Bible reading was fast and furious these past few days, looking for peace where I felt I could find none.

I went to my Divorce Care class last night. In the DC video series, Bible passages are often presented to emphasize a point.

Last night's topic was about anger. I didn't fell terribly angry at anyone but myself last night, and didn't think I could draw a lot from it. But I love and absolutely need the support of my DC friends, and even if the topic was on picking daisies, I would still be there just to get their hugs and smiles.

During the video, a passage from Philippians 4 scrolled across the screen. It's a great passage:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things."

Lo, and behold, as I have followed the recommended reading plan from PCC, which I brought home from the afore-mentioned sermon series, I was on schedule to read Philippians 4 today. I saw that on the screen last night, and I thought, "Cool I will see that in the morning when I read that chapter."

Now mind you... Bible reading completely unchartered territory, heart-wrenching week, need peace, feeling really, really sad, following plan from church, reading Bible, Divorce Care... and this is what I find precedes that passage:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ."

Really, how cool is that?

I've always loved a good book. And now, I can say I truly do love the Good Book.

PRESIDENT of the United States!

I spent Tuesday in a hair salon and spa on the South Side of Chicago. It is owned by Laura Williford Williams, and it caters to African-American women. I was there from 10:15AM until 12:30PM, and I loved every minute.

It was the boss' idea to go to regular places and shoot regular people watching PRESIDENT Obama's inauguration. This was one of the coolest assignments I've had so far this year.

I felt pride and emotion swell up as the President first appeared on the TV screen, which was perched in one corner of the salon.

In an instant, all the salon activity froze: the hair weave, the drying under big plastic bubbles and the curler-rolling. Obama walked in with the dignity of a head of state, but also with the warm, easy smile that has endeared him to the masses these past months.

I felt the magnitude of this moment as much as any white girl from the South Side could. But it was nothing compared to the raw, real emotion of this group of women and men. They cheered, hugged and cried as a moment they were sure they would never see in their lifetime took place.

This was an incredible moment for all African-Americans. But it was just as important to our nation as a whole.

We turned a real corner on Tuesday.

And as we've witnessed the past 48 hours, it's time to get to work, together, and make this country great once again.

which shoe fits?

I've let go of something this weekend.

Maybe I should say it let go of me.

Matters that matter never resolve themselves as quickly as I would like. I've just faced another challenge filled with anger, guilt, shame, and grief.

This time, I can't share the details. Though they matter very much to me, how to deal with the situation matters far more. And through the Great Transformation, I can be better equipped to handle a mess with careful thought and advice from Jack Canfield:

Events are neutral things. Things happen and you do not have control over them. They carry no real weight; they just are. Your response to the event, however, is a variable you can control. You choose whether to be calm, or panic, wallow, laugh or cry. You can be pragmatic, graceful, and accepting. Or you can spiral out of control.

The event + your response = the outcome. E+R=O.

It's always been easy for me to slip into a panic at any sign of disruption in my life. I have always reacted poorly. When something becomes too big, too painful, too hard for me to handle, I bury it. I don't think about it, I don't deal with it, and it lies, unaddressed, manifesting its way in other areas of my psyche and life. Which, as you can probably guess, has always turned into bigger problems.

This time, I can respond differently. I can be honest with my thoughts and my feelings. I can respond calmly and allow everything, no matter how painful, or how hard, set and unfold in its own time. I can accept the consequences, acknowledge the pain and the hurt and deal with them.

It is what it is. In a better frame of mind, I finally understand that while I can't and absolutely do not control every aspect of my life to my satisfaction; I can choose to be present and actively respond in the most positive way possible.

It's time to take a deep breath, accept responsibility and then, let the future unfold. By God's grace, I woke today to a new day filled with a chance to do better with the life I was given.

It's a gift, indeed.

a message for the crazy file.

So I had a magical experience with my lia sophia sisters at Success Camp this past weekend.

We were treated to an awesome talk by author Jack Canfield, who writes the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books. He talked about the power of the mind. And strangely, it was pretty much the same things that Dr. KA has been telling me for the past month. That revelation was both unexpected and amazing. I decided after this weekend to call 2009, "The Great Transformation." I am re-vamping my bad habits, my mind and my future. It is exhilarating to actively seek a better me. And I recommend this experience to everyone.

Much of the necessary change lies in my own preconceived ideas, and my knee-jerk response to events. Just by slowing down a little bit, taking a deep breath and a having a quick change of thought, I can literally turn anything in a positive direction.

And I gotta tell you, it is awesome.

For instance, instead of telling Patti, "That lunatic bitch kept me there till 4:40 and while this other person go home an hour and a half early." I was calmly able to say, "The sometimes tolerable so-and-so didn't give me my 'get-out-of-jail-free card' today, but it was okay."

See?!? It's that simple.

So, when I got the latest addition to the "crazy file," I was able to laugh out loud, and then call Patti and read it directly to her, and laugh all over again. I am so happy to share the best excerpt here:

"I also wanted to tell you that Sue had to go out and buy boots for Jessica, she said her boots do not fit her and was wearing gym shoes. I pay child support which is supposed to go for clothes, this is the second time Ive had to get her something proper to wear(the first was the jacket when she was walking around in a size 12).

The girls also told my mom they dont wear socks to school because they cant find them. I hope they are wearing socks every day during the winter months. That would be inexcusable."

Yes, because I do regularly send my daughters to school in January without socks on. They can't find them, so I just say, "Oh well, it's only socks."

I hope that 2009 is well on the way to the year of infinite possibilities for you. Canfield said it takes 30 days to change a habit.

Make it a good one!

the first cool photo of 2009.

crawling out of the funk.

That probably sounds worse than I meant it to.

You ever have those days when you just don't feel right and you are not even sure why? I've had a few in succession. The good news is, it's getting better.

I wanted to share my favorite photo so far in 2009, from the new Joffrey Ballet School, shot yesterday.

It makes me think of the girls in their beginning ballet classes. A time when watching them dance with scarves brought tears to my eyes. There is something so joyful and free about young girls being allowed to express themselves and not worry about anyone watching them, and making them feel any less than absolutely beautiful.

I have a zillion ideas for this year swimming in my head. I can't wait to get them all down on paper, organize and execute.

I talked to my little sisters today, helped a friend and got good news from the doc. (Nothing big; just logistically good!)

It snowed just enough to make lovely pictures; not enough to be a nuisance.

And at work, there is slight hope the union may be able to avoid layoffs. Stay tuned.

And have a great week.

following up with dr. kickass.

It's January 4th and I am still on the right path toward my fabulous new year. I even got through a few rough patches this week and I'm still standing.

I visited Dr. Kickass, and even admitted to blogging about him. I told him that I had blogged about him, and asked if he wanted know what I had said. He said I could tell him if I wanted to, but, "Whatever you write, or whatever you say is perfectly okay, because what you think about me doesn't define me. I know who I am, and whatever you think of me really doesn't matter."

Oh, my. I assured him that I meant everything in a very respectful way, and he even laughed when I told him his blog name. Then, we moved on to a discussion about why you do allow people to define who you are.

Is it habit, or do we really believe what others tell us about ourselves? And if that is the case, why? This is just one of the fun questions I get exactly one hour to answer as the good doctor waits, somewhat impatiently, to pick apart the words that exit my mouth.

It's a an odd exercise for me to think before I speak, to ponder word choices and to review the thought before I verbalize it.

"I'm trying not to do that," I said.

Trying isn't really doing anything, he tells me. You've been spinning those wheels for 41 years. If you want different results, you better get ready to "do" instead of "try."

So I leave his office, and think a lot about doing instead of trying.

Change is hard. Life is weird. Welcome, 2009.